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Once Upon a Time . .
-
ellie
Ttricky was so excited--shed never seen a helmet with horns before --but Ellie held her back --saying "Ifwe can make it over to Gerrys joint "The Shamrock"--we could get help! "
The Shamrock was jointly owned by Gerry and Loretta --next door to the icecream parlour they could make it before the Norsemen saw them. They'd just reached the low wall by the road--when suddenly a muscular hairy arm shot out grabbing Ellie by the waist and pulled her towards him--his chopper raised high above her she trembled with fear,but then with one quick move --she reached up and pulled down his mask. She stepped back in terror--the eyes that stared down at her,slanting ,menacing and YELLOW--were not those of a man but a ------wolf
Meanwhile,Tricky had reached Gerrys joint and all she could think of was his great supply of "Carlsberg"--with that --they could maybe-just maybe --save the day-------!
The Shamrock was jointly owned by Gerry and Loretta --next door to the icecream parlour they could make it before the Norsemen saw them. They'd just reached the low wall by the road--when suddenly a muscular hairy arm shot out grabbing Ellie by the waist and pulled her towards him--his chopper raised high above her she trembled with fear,but then with one quick move --she reached up and pulled down his mask. She stepped back in terror--the eyes that stared down at her,slanting ,menacing and YELLOW--were not those of a man but a ------wolf
Meanwhile,Tricky had reached Gerrys joint and all she could think of was his great supply of "Carlsberg"--with that --they could maybe-just maybe --save the day-------!
The noise from the beach grew louder...the Secret Service men grew tenser.....
"Sir, there are Men running after Women on the beach and the women arn't running all that fast."
"What kind of men?"
"Men with horns, sir."
"Horny Men?!?"
"The latest INTEL report leads us to believe so, sir."
"Call in the Cold Shower Force."
"Sir, they are already watering the golf courses and stretched to the limit."
"Then bring me my Lone Ranger outfit, and call Tonto!"
"Sir, Tonto was fired in the last budget cut"
"Shit!!!"
"Can't do that, sir, the loos are backed up."
President Coop knew then that he had a major problem on his hands....
"Sir, there are Men running after Women on the beach and the women arn't running all that fast."
"What kind of men?"
"Men with horns, sir."
"Horny Men?!?"
"The latest INTEL report leads us to believe so, sir."
"Call in the Cold Shower Force."
"Sir, they are already watering the golf courses and stretched to the limit."
"Then bring me my Lone Ranger outfit, and call Tonto!"
"Sir, Tonto was fired in the last budget cut"
"Shit!!!"
"Can't do that, sir, the loos are backed up."
President Coop knew then that he had a major problem on his hands....
-
enid blyton
.... there was only one group that could deal with this and they were the most specialised, secretive, in and out force in the world, the SAS otherwise known as the Shower and Shit force - more used to covert bloody gunbattles but they would have to help out on this one if the operation was to be a success and The Pres. needed to win this to be re-elected. Pres. made his way over to the bar and reaching down to the bulge in his trousers pulled out his longest, finest havana and lighter..serious thinking was needed now and he needed privacy - he wondered if this bar had a broom cupboard like his favourite called Knobu.............
-
EllenBowdery
As the Pres disappeared into his Knobu closet,he fingered his large Havana and thought of how--it had been rolled on the firm thighs of a lovely Cuban maiden----sigh--ahhhhh
meanwhile --over bythe palacio the horned wolfman from the tribe of NIRE-a kingdom of men that once "were wolves!"--growled into Ellies eager ear--"we have infiltrated the mighty Steens hordes--but have secret rendezvous with mysterious "G"--will you show me and my brother Ekim to his cavern,located beneath the Corrieros?"
Elle took a deep breath,whispering"Of course--but please tell me your mission?"
Wolfman drew back his lips in a sinister snarl,revealing two pointed fangs--god Ellie thought,its not just his eyes --what else had survived since those wildtimes in the forests--she could hardly bare to think------
"G" ,snarled wolfman "is the leader of STL and means to save the giant pussy --and we are here to help him!"
"STL" Ellie waited with baited breath---"Save The Lynx" --and nothing is going to stop us--not even Digger and his earthmovers" his deep growl sent shivers through her
Gales of merriment errupted from the beach hotel--and as ellie looked she could just make out Maddis shapely figure through the steamy windows.Her arms were outstretched towards the helmeted Steen--she was making an offering--something huge and golden on a pate-----would he be able to resist?------
meanwhile --over bythe palacio the horned wolfman from the tribe of NIRE-a kingdom of men that once "were wolves!"--growled into Ellies eager ear--"we have infiltrated the mighty Steens hordes--but have secret rendezvous with mysterious "G"--will you show me and my brother Ekim to his cavern,located beneath the Corrieros?"
Elle took a deep breath,whispering"Of course--but please tell me your mission?"
Wolfman drew back his lips in a sinister snarl,revealing two pointed fangs--god Ellie thought,its not just his eyes --what else had survived since those wildtimes in the forests--she could hardly bare to think------
"G" ,snarled wolfman "is the leader of STL and means to save the giant pussy --and we are here to help him!"
"STL" Ellie waited with baited breath---"Save The Lynx" --and nothing is going to stop us--not even Digger and his earthmovers" his deep growl sent shivers through her
Gales of merriment errupted from the beach hotel--and as ellie looked she could just make out Maddis shapely figure through the steamy windows.Her arms were outstretched towards the helmeted Steen--she was making an offering--something huge and golden on a pate-----would he be able to resist?------
-
EllenBowdery
A sound of rattling came from up the slope----it was outside "The Shamrock" where Tricky and Loretta were helping Gerry to load his motorised "go cart" with boxes of "Carlsburg".
"Jaysus" he yelled "this should quieten them down a bit--better put a few bottles of the dark stuff on board for them there lads of NIRE--I hear tis their favourite brew"!
Wolfman and Elle made their way up the darkening road towards the Corrieros--when they were stopped in their tracks by loud explosions--smoke filled the air---"god .what was that"?------
"Jaysus" he yelled "this should quieten them down a bit--better put a few bottles of the dark stuff on board for them there lads of NIRE--I hear tis their favourite brew"!
Wolfman and Elle made their way up the darkening road towards the Corrieros--when they were stopped in their tracks by loud explosions--smoke filled the air---"god .what was that"?------
"Stay right here. Take this." Gerry pressed his weapon into Loretta’s hand, folding her fingers around it. "Shoot anything that isn't me."
She looked at the weapon, exhaled, then cocked the 9mm like a pro. Gerry arched an eyebrow.
"I'll pretend it's a hair dryer," she said, then shifted to her elbows and focused down the fairway. He was still looking at her strangely when she said, "What are you going to use?"
He rolled to his back. From his boot, he pulled out a wickedly long knife with a serrated base. It had Made in China engraved on the grey blade. Loretta swallowed. That meant he had to get close enough to them to inflict damage, and worry skipped through her.
Gerry crawled to the bunker, then rose to a crouch, praying she wouldn't have to shoot.
Mosquitos buzzed around her head as Loretta waited, her skin itching with sweat. Phew it was hot for the time of year. She didn't dare put the weapon down and squinted down the sight, wondering if she could actually use it. She heard a gun shot and flinched, praying it wasn't at Gerry, praying they'd missed. Her mind tortured her with images of him lying somewhere out there now unable to save her and the village.
Seconds stretched to minutes. She flinched when she heard a rustling in the bushes, but couldn't see anything but water flooding the green. The noise grew clearer, then suddenly slow and soft till the sound vanished beneath the blood pounding in her ears.
A twig snapped. If it was Gerry, he'd say so.
Her heart breaking that he’d been caught, she raised the weapon, shifting back on her knees. A figure appeared, looming over her, and she pulled the trigger. Nothing. She leapt to her feet and ran.
The masked man chased her, snatching her around the waist and lifting her off her feet as he yanked the gun from her grasp.
"Lor!"
She fought like a wildcat, clawing at his arm, kicking her feet against his calves.
A string of curses he never imagined she knew spilled from her mouth.
"Stop, stop, it's me!"
She stilled, twisting in his arms as he set her to her feet. He gripped her arms. "It's me, babe."
She stared up at him, breathing hard, “What are you doing ere?”
“Looking for Biffa. Everything’s ready for the Ball except the venue. Biffa’s a local man and he promised to come up with a something, now he’s gone missing!”
She looked at the weapon, exhaled, then cocked the 9mm like a pro. Gerry arched an eyebrow.
"I'll pretend it's a hair dryer," she said, then shifted to her elbows and focused down the fairway. He was still looking at her strangely when she said, "What are you going to use?"
He rolled to his back. From his boot, he pulled out a wickedly long knife with a serrated base. It had Made in China engraved on the grey blade. Loretta swallowed. That meant he had to get close enough to them to inflict damage, and worry skipped through her.
Gerry crawled to the bunker, then rose to a crouch, praying she wouldn't have to shoot.
Mosquitos buzzed around her head as Loretta waited, her skin itching with sweat. Phew it was hot for the time of year. She didn't dare put the weapon down and squinted down the sight, wondering if she could actually use it. She heard a gun shot and flinched, praying it wasn't at Gerry, praying they'd missed. Her mind tortured her with images of him lying somewhere out there now unable to save her and the village.
Seconds stretched to minutes. She flinched when she heard a rustling in the bushes, but couldn't see anything but water flooding the green. The noise grew clearer, then suddenly slow and soft till the sound vanished beneath the blood pounding in her ears.
A twig snapped. If it was Gerry, he'd say so.
Her heart breaking that he’d been caught, she raised the weapon, shifting back on her knees. A figure appeared, looming over her, and she pulled the trigger. Nothing. She leapt to her feet and ran.
The masked man chased her, snatching her around the waist and lifting her off her feet as he yanked the gun from her grasp.
"Lor!"
She fought like a wildcat, clawing at his arm, kicking her feet against his calves.
A string of curses he never imagined she knew spilled from her mouth.
"Stop, stop, it's me!"
She stilled, twisting in his arms as he set her to her feet. He gripped her arms. "It's me, babe."
She stared up at him, breathing hard, “What are you doing ere?”
“Looking for Biffa. Everything’s ready for the Ball except the venue. Biffa’s a local man and he promised to come up with a something, now he’s gone missing!”
-
eco/spider
as the smoke cleared Elley pointed Wolfie in the direction of stairway leading to Gs secret hideyhole below postoffice.
'ok got it' now elley I want you to head back to square see what all that bangings about!!she wouldnt argue with that fearce command and as she saw those bared teeth she thought'Fangs aint what they used to be!'As she darted thru the side alleyway she crashed into something long and hard.she let out a loud scream then,a low whisper said'its ok elle its only me! it was loretta holding Gerrys weapon high in her hand!
'quick lori back to the square,the bang came from that direction!'
There by the centre seating stood a man.His hair on end as he turned towards them the girls cried out'Biffa! its you'
he'd been so excited about the firework display,that his rockets had gone off prematurely and the sparkler embers lay around his feet.But as he saw the girls,he pulled hiself together,his military past coming back to him,he marched to the hotel pulled open the door.When he saw the drunken horny hordes inside he let out an enormous yell 'I say you chaps,thats enough of that there goings on.You need to soberup!get yourself over to Heinis beach tearooms.They didnt need asking twice .They were off.they just knew they were in for some great herbal teasers served by the saucy su---but they were in for a big surprise---
'ok got it' now elley I want you to head back to square see what all that bangings about!!she wouldnt argue with that fearce command and as she saw those bared teeth she thought'Fangs aint what they used to be!'As she darted thru the side alleyway she crashed into something long and hard.she let out a loud scream then,a low whisper said'its ok elle its only me! it was loretta holding Gerrys weapon high in her hand!
'quick lori back to the square,the bang came from that direction!'
There by the centre seating stood a man.His hair on end as he turned towards them the girls cried out'Biffa! its you'
he'd been so excited about the firework display,that his rockets had gone off prematurely and the sparkler embers lay around his feet.But as he saw the girls,he pulled hiself together,his military past coming back to him,he marched to the hotel pulled open the door.When he saw the drunken horny hordes inside he let out an enormous yell 'I say you chaps,thats enough of that there goings on.You need to soberup!get yourself over to Heinis beach tearooms.They didnt need asking twice .They were off.they just knew they were in for some great herbal teasers served by the saucy su---but they were in for a big surprise---
...because Heini never serves herbal teas!!! No it's Maceira she likes, but as any other non-resident the invading hordes must pay a higher price for this pleasure. The president has found his way to Heini's tearoom and is intrigued by her cute German-Canadian accent and settles down to have a long nice chat with her... jus then the FBI agents tumble in with another horrific tale: Gambrinus has actually come out of hiding and everyone is rushing to the beach to finally see for themselves why he has been so scretive about himself. All they know about him is: fat, lazy, cynical...
Back in the presidential broom cupboard: “Heinis beach tearooms!!! umm, could this be the venue? umm. NO What kinda venue’s that for a Venetian Masked Ball? What’s that biffa guy up to? Of course, YES it’s just a cute nickname a decoy security’s tight. One of them royal palaces whats biffas got up his sleeve, YES”
-
EllenBowdery
Madam Maddi knocks 3times on the Knobu closet
" Oh,Mr president.No herbals Im afraid!All Heini can offer is something calld Maceira,d'you know what she means"?
"No I dont.but It sure sounds a lot more interesting than tea.lets go!"
sergeant Mike Crane leads the way across the hot praia which is suddenly packed with the Steens mighty army,their horns bristling for action.But a hush suddenly comes across the horde of hairy norsemen as they stare towards the palacio-----from within the darkened doorway a tall bearded dark-haired man appears and at his side-----with pricked ears and spotted furry coat a magnificent giant pussy----it tugs at the strong leather lead held by none other than the mysterious "G"!
the huge cat strains on the lead and suddenly it breaks loose and is soon lost amongst the panicking horde----
"Dont worry! Ive got 4 more like that at home! and Im dying for a glass of Maceira >Mr president ---lead the way--------
" Oh,Mr president.No herbals Im afraid!All Heini can offer is something calld Maceira,d'you know what she means"?
"No I dont.but It sure sounds a lot more interesting than tea.lets go!"
sergeant Mike Crane leads the way across the hot praia which is suddenly packed with the Steens mighty army,their horns bristling for action.But a hush suddenly comes across the horde of hairy norsemen as they stare towards the palacio-----from within the darkened doorway a tall bearded dark-haired man appears and at his side-----with pricked ears and spotted furry coat a magnificent giant pussy----it tugs at the strong leather lead held by none other than the mysterious "G"!
the huge cat strains on the lead and suddenly it breaks loose and is soon lost amongst the panicking horde----
"Dont worry! Ive got 4 more like that at home! and Im dying for a glass of Maceira >Mr president ---lead the way--------
-
pammie
...as they made their way across the praia they didnt realise that the AA (algarve army) was filming their every move.... A secret camera was placed in the window of the palacio ice cream parlour and all images could be relaid by high tech satellite to AA headquarters so they could predict their counter attacks well in advance - they didn't want the Pres. getting his hands on the most advanced weapons & recipes in the world hidden underneath the rum & raisin and mango and guarded by a person so feared but who could blend in with the decor - feared all over Portugal but never seen in the heat of high noon, the enigma known as "Blobby"............... the President didn't realise what was about to go down next...........
“Sarge!”
“Sir”, Crane stands to attention.
“It’s damn quiet out there”
“Sir, someone mentioned the enigma known as, er” the sergeant whispers in the president’s ear "B er Mr B, and the whole country including the horny ones from the land of Carlsburg have gone underground. May I suggest . ." and Crane ushers the president towards the Knobu closet.
“Sir”, Crane stands to attention.
“It’s damn quiet out there”
“Sir, someone mentioned the enigma known as, er” the sergeant whispers in the president’s ear "B er Mr B, and the whole country including the horny ones from the land of Carlsburg have gone underground. May I suggest . ." and Crane ushers the president towards the Knobu closet.
-
Daisy
Mme Madds rushes in through swing doors,
'Crane wheres the Pres!'
Sorry Mam,but hes holed up in Knobu again.Seems kinda worried about this here Maceira stuff that dame Heinis selling! Thinks it could be an inferior 'Scottish'variety of Madeira and nothing will budge him'!
'leave this to me Crane'!
With one mighty swing Mme Mads raises the chopper she knicked off one of the horny ones--but just as she brings it down-------
'Crane wheres the Pres!'
Sorry Mam,but hes holed up in Knobu again.Seems kinda worried about this here Maceira stuff that dame Heinis selling! Thinks it could be an inferior 'Scottish'variety of Madeira and nothing will budge him'!
'leave this to me Crane'!
With one mighty swing Mme Mads raises the chopper she knicked off one of the horny ones--but just as she brings it down-------
-
pammie
...............she spots a deep red liquid oozing from underneath a door. Oh my God, she thinks of the bloodbath that must have taken place inside and fears they have arrived too late. Hesitating she tries to avoid the mess and cocking her gun she flings the door open quickly dreading the scene that awaits. Her shock changes to numbness.....instead of finding the dead, there on shelves are hundreds of bottles of 'heini's ketchup....